Coping With Adolescence
By Vardit Spiegelman, CSW
 
A friend of mine told me recently that she attended a lecture about teens. She learned from the evening that surrounding your teen by positive influences is the best way to prevent your teen from straying from the path and rebelling. By a show of hands, how many of you agree with this statement? 
 
The problem with this advice is that it is not realistic. Of course positive influences for teens (or for any people of any age) is ideal but none of us lives in a bubble. Can any of us honestly say that our children, of any age, are surrounded only by positive influences? Of course not. Whether it be the media, their friends, or our environment, none of us are immune to the world around us.
 
So let’s go under the assumption that our teenagers are coping with influences of varying types, some less positive than we would hope. Does this mean that they are doomed to irreparable rebellion? Is rebellion necessarily a bad thing? (many studies say that adolescents that do not rebel in the teenage years are likely to rebel as adults which can be even more dangerous and troubling.) Think carefully before eliminating rebellion all together. It is a necessary stage of adolescent development.
 
Many of you have already heard me talk about communication and how important it is that we spend quality time with our loved ones to ensure open communication. What happens, however, when our teen is already in a rut and we’ve tried everything we know to talk with them, support them, and be there for them? What then? Here are a number of steps that we can take to try to get back on track with our teens:
 
  1. If your spouse is still on good terms with your teenager, let him/her take a turn being the primary communicator- you need to take a break (but not forever).
  2. If there is no one to take this role, keep communications brief. Speak civilly and without sarcasm (easier said than done but try hard!)
  3. Look for positive things to say. If she remembered to put her cereal bowl in the sink, let her know how much it helped. Small appreciations will hopefully bring more positive behaviors and improved communication.
  4. When things have gotten better, think of something your teen might enjoy- if he likes basketball, ask him about his favorite player. Shoot some hoops together. Take an interest (without trying to become his best friend) and remember no nagging about his messy room or other sensitive subjects. Have fun doing something that he/she likes.
  5. Only once the environment improves then you will be able to address some of the “sensitive subjects” (ie. Curfew, dress, general behavior). Don’t forget “I” sentences, plan out what you want to say ahead of time, be clear and concise, and try to convey love and not judgement or criticism.
 
If you sense that the rut is starting over, take a deep breath and start again at item #1 and procede step by step until you feel the tension lifting again. This is a process that can take time. Do not expect to make it happen instantly.
 
Be aware of the difference between a rut and a real danger sign. What is a real danger sign?
  • significant loss/gain in weight;
  • mood changes, particularly sadness, or talk of wanting to die or run away- a teen who talks this way should be taken seriously;
  • change in school performance;
  • shift in friends or lack of interest in previously enjoyed activity may be a sign of emotional trouble or substance abuse.
DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR TEENAGER. HE NEEDS YOU ESPECIALLY IF HE IS IN TROUBLE. YOU MAY FEEL THAT THINGS WILL NEVER GET BETTER. DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! 
 
Vardit is a social worker at Mercaz Rakefet Child Development Center and can be contact at vardit@ligdolvlifroach.org.
 
 
  
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