By Vardit Spiegelman, CSW

 

When I was asked to write an article about the effects of Shalom Bayit on children, my first response was “what does Shalom Bayit really mean?” I felt silly asking this question out loud because Shalom Bayit is a term that is often used whether or not one has an extensive Jewish background. I decided to look it up in the dictionary just out of curiosity. Shalom Bayit is defined as: domestic happiness or harmony; family peace; internal peace or welfare (as applied to couples, families, communities, or countries).   Although, not that enlightening, I did learn that Shalom Bayit spreads further than I had initially thought. For the purposes of this article however, I will focus on the domestic happiness aspect and its effects on children

 

One of the things that they don’t tell you when you first get married is that marriage is something that requires effort. Just as a plant needs the right amounts of light and water, even the healthiest marriages based on love, mutual respect, and open communication require care. Similarly, we aren’t informed that there is no perfect spouse, child, family, school, or community and how we cope with the disappointments of these realities can have a huge effect on our children.

 

For example, what happens when one of the people in a marriage is suffering with a mental illness such as depression, anxiety, or any other often debilitating emotional condition? The idea of turning to a stranger for either emotional and or medical\psychiatric intervention can be terrifying for the person who is ill and also for the spouse. The ill person may wonder: “What will people say if they find out that I am receiving help? Will it be obvious? What does this say about my ability to parent? Will I be able to keep my job? Will medication change who I am?   How will this affect my marriage? The spouse may wonder: “How can I help my partner? Why can’t he\she turn to me for help? Can I continue to live in an environment that often feels unstable? Am I being selfish? The questions asked by the ill partner and the spouse are infinite and often create a tangible tension in the home. The biggest question is often “Do we tell the children? If so, how? The answer may differ from family to family but often children are aware of the tension and may draw their own conclusions about what is happening in their lives, often mistakenly taking responsibility for the tension. Children may try to “behave” or withdraw socially because they feel that they must try to fix what they feel they may have broken.

 

What if the family is struggling with a special needs child or children? Many of the above questions may be asked by the parents, the child with the special needs, and by the child or children in the family who do not have special needs which require special intervention. Obviously, the answers may differ from person to person buy what a family might be left with in addition to a lot of stress regarding how to best look after the special needs (and possibly varying degrees of differences of opinion), there may be a significant amount of confusion, guilt, stress, blame, etc. which certainly may be sensed by all members of the family, especially the children. 

 

The above are just 2 examples of problems which may exist in families. There are many more such examples that I haven’t touched on here. There are many traumas in life which can affect children in a very serious way. Moving (ie. aliya- particularly for older children but not excluding younger ones), death in the family, conflict in the home and divorce. The following is a list of some of the affects that unspoken conflict within a family can have on a child in and out of the home:

 

Nightmares, bedwetting, frequent headaches, stomachaches, serious behavior problems, learning and or attention problems (induced by stress and not necessarily of an organic nature), anger management, social problems, irrational fears, changes in appetite, sleep, drug or alcohol abuse (and more).

 

Your child may be trying to communicate with you via his/her behavior because communicating with words may be embarrassing or uncomfortable. Sometimes we don’t see or hear what is right in front of us. If you think your child might be in trouble, talk to him!!! Let’s try to bring the unspoken conflict out into the open. Don’t wait. Early intervention is key. Try the following tips when communicating:

Stepping forward and admitting “Our Shalom Bayit could use some work” is often a tough thing to do. It is critical that we begin to recognize what is going on in our own individual families and that we develop the courage to build Shalom Bayit, improve Shalom Bayit, or save whatever pieces of Shalom Bayit we can to ensure optimal emotional health for ourselves and for our children.